Pen On Yo Face!

It all started when we found a blue ball point pen in our bed.
I suggested we take turns drawing on each other's faces.
I drew a vertical line. His face was too shiny so nothing showed up.
He drew something round.
I drew a little horizontal line. Still no ink on his face.
He drew another round shape.
Cue my 2nd attempt at vertical line. (I was trying to make an 'L' for Loser) Nothing!
He drew a line.
3rd attempt at a line. SUCCESS! Half of the line showed up
He drew a line then a curvy shape.
I tried to fix my line.
He connected his shapes then smiled.
Me: "I have a weiner on my face, don't I?"
Him: "YEP!"

Green Eggs and Clam

I have a best friend name Beef. His name isn't really Beef I just call him Beef because he is my Bee-Eff-Eff. Here is what we talk about.

Beef: lets go do something when you get back here that you can only do in the bay.
Me: Let's go clam digging!
Beef: what the eff is a clam digging? like..get a shovel and dig for clams?
Me: Yeah! Or jellyfish hunting! Wait is that a real thing? Or is it only real on Spongebob? I'm not sure if it's real.
Beef: why are you so mean to creatures of the sea?
Me: Because they are delicious.

Quarantined

I'm pretty sure we have small pox. Or scarlet fever. I'm not sure which is which. Which one makes you delusional? That's the one we have.

Every time I cough I hear the Band Perry. Except I don't want to be buried in satin. If I die young I wanted to be buried in something awesome - like a flying monkey costume. Then at my funeral someone would be like "I didn't know she liked Wizard of Oz so much" and then someone would say "She didn't" and then they'd say "Then why the flying..." and I'd pop out of my "Why are you questioning the dead?" Then that person would feel like an a-hole for like five seconds and then super excited because they just witnessed a freaking miracle.

Back to sickness - I've narrowed down the source of our illness to two incidents. ONE - Playing with our friends' babies. To be fair - I don't really think the babies got us sick but I never rule it out as a possibility because small children are like Ebola monkeys. Kids are ALWAYS sick. I know this because my mom works with Kindergarten kids and she is always sick. Kids bring diseases. It's a fact . Babies are the worst. I think it's because they're always licking each others faces.

TWO - We picked it up from the cluuuuuub. On Saturday we went to Budoir (a sex themed club) for our friend's birthday. Why do I think this might be the culprit? Three words. Sex. Themed. Club. Wait - I think that might be two words. Sex-themed. Club. Gonna have to Google it. Ew. Then again maybe not. Anyways I'm pretty sure Boudoir got us sick - and that is why NO GOOD CAN COME FROM CLUBBING WHEN YOU'RE IN YOUR LATE 20's!!!!

Meet Our Cat.

His name is Brawny.
See what happens when Justin doesn't let me dress up the dogs.

Happy Halloweiner!

Baseball Talk

Conversation between me and my husband while he is watching the World Series.

Me: Holy crap! You know what I just realized?

Justin: What?

Me: I have no idea how to take care of a baby. That's going to be a problem. How the heck are we going to have a kid one day if I don't know how to take care of a baby

Justin: What?

Me: BABIES! I've never taken care of one! At least not by myself. Hey maybe we should borrow someone's baby.

Justin: Uh ok...

Me: You know, to see if we can take care of one. That would be kind of awkward though - asking one of our friends "Hey can we borrow your baby? We wanna see if we can keep it alive before we have one of our own."

Justin: ...

Me: OR!! We can dress up Kashi as an ugly little baby and practice on him.

Justin: ...

Me: Are you listening to me?

Justin: Yeah dress up Kashi.

Me: The only problem is that he doesn't cry. All he does and hump and snort.

(Silence while I imagine us having a baby that humps and snorts. For some reason I also picture him wearing a rainbow sweat band. Cue distraction)

Me: No way! That guy's name is Pujols?

Justin: Yes.

Me: POO-holes?

Justin: Yes.

Me: Haha. Pujols.

Justin: ...

Me: Hey babe ... I dare you to put your finger in Kona's Pujols.

Justin: I JUST WANT TO WATCH THE GAME!

And that is why I should never be forced to watch baseball.

A picture of our snorty, humpy practice baby

Rock, Paper, Scissors ... Crab Claw

When Kona was a puppy, Justin taught him to drink water from the bath tub faucet and now that sucker refuses to drink out of a bowl. So now when he's thirsty he climbs into the tub and barks ... sometimes in the dark.
Yesterday we were watching TV when we would heard Kona's famous echoed bathtub bark.
Here's what went down after that.

Justin: Kona wants water.
Me: You do it.
Justin: No you do it.
Me: Fine ... rock, paper scissors!
Justin: Ok, ready... 1, 2, 3!

He does paper, I do rock.

Justin: Again, 1, 2...

Oh eff. I panic.

My head says scissors but for some reason my hand decided to stay with rock. And it results in this:



Justin: WTF is that?!!

Me: CRAB CLAW!

Justin: What the hell is a crab claw?

Me: It beats rock and scissors...paper too.

Justin: You're such a cheater!

Me: You've never heard of Crab Claw?

Justin: Just go.

In an effort to prove that I was right, I decided to go onto Google and find a picture of a crab crushing a rock (and subsequently, a piece of paper and a pair of scissors)
I typed in "Crab smashing rock"

And Google came up with this...


Apparently crabs like to smoke crack. And get it on. And make little crack babies. And THAT, ladies and gentleman, is how stoned crabs are created.

P.S. I still win.

And now ... squoils!

It seems a little anti-climactic for me to come back on here and start writing about random things after experiencing such an incredibly amazing and euphorically life-altering week.

So instead I present to you .... BABY SQUOIL!




(If you didn't think that was the most ridiculously awesome thing you've ever seen, take a little break, get over the initial shock and watch it again. If you STILL don't get it, well then quite frankly, I'm not sure why we're even friends.)

My World is Filled With Happy

My Meat Philosophy

First off let me preface this by saying that I don't think I could ever go vegan. I love meat way too much to give it up cold turkey. Plus I love turkey.
Certain meats I would gladly give up - like ground beef. Hate that stuff. I don't know if its the texture or just the fact that it's ground up cow but I can't stand it.
Now let me begin to explain my philosophy on meats...
My entire life I have purposely avoided watching those videos about cows and pigs in slaughterhouses. Mostly because I already know how my life will play out after watching said video. I'll get ridiculously depressed and start crying, then vow to never eat meat again. I'll do okay for the first few weeks or so. Heck, I might even last a month. Then one day I'll see a piece of bacon and it will be all over. I'll scarf it down without even thinking twice and then feel super guilty. Who wants to go through all of that? Not me!
So over the years I've adapted my own philosophy on meat to make myself feel better about eating aminals.
In college, I decided I would only eat animals that were ugly.
I harbor a deep hatred/fear of birds, so chickens were on the top of my list. Those mofo's are as fugly as it gets. The only chickens that are cute are baby chicks and no one would be gross enough to eat a baby chick. (cough) Filipino's! (cough) I'm marrying one in 3 weeks so I think it's okay for me to say that. (*To clarify, I am marrying a Filipino guy, not a baby chick. Oh and he doesn't eat balut)
Moving on ... cows! This one was tough for me. Because at first I thought to myself well most cows are kind of ugly but some are cute. So I figured cutting out ground beef was my way of saving some cows, while still being able to eat steak.
Next up ... fish. There is no such thing as cute fish. Except for the ones in "Finding Nemo" and I did my part to support them by not eating the maguro on my sushi after watching that movie. All of the non-Pixar fish are free game.
Last but not least ... pigs. Ah pigs. For a little while I thought those little porkers would screw up my whole meat philosophy because they are so damn cute and unfortunately, delicious). But then I found a way around it. My incurable love for bacon convinced me that it was okay to eat pork as long as I was eating the a$$hole pigs. You know - the racist, sexist, homophobic pigs. (And for fun, let's also throw in the douchebag pigs who wear sunglasses at the club). Seriously, who wouldn't want to eat those spiteful minority-hating pigs? By eliminating them, we are probably doing the pig community a favor.
You're welcome, pigs.

This Week

Went to tea - drank too much.
Went to a bar - drank too much (Monkey Shine daiquiri tastes like bananas, not like monkeys. Still delicious.)
Laughed and hung out with friends and family at my fabulous 50's themed bridal shower.
Smoked candy cigarettes with our pregnant friend.
Went to the store to buy cheese and bandaids.
Watched Corner Cupcakes kick ass on "Cupcake Wars."
Went to gym - came home angry (about having to go to the gym).
Scanned a hundred million photos. Found picture of Justin's mullet in elementary school. Laughed so hard I almost peed a little.
Sent wedding contracts.
Gave dogs bubble wrap - spent the night cleaning little bits of plastic out of the carpet.
Googled "Karate Kid" themed weddings - found nothing.

Thanks For The Ta-Ta's!

Ready to see the best baby gift EVER?

It's a BOOBIE BEANIE...


For moms to put on their babies while they breastfeed!

How awesome (and slightly awkward) is that?

And ready for the best part?

IT COMES IN DIFFERENT COLORS!!


For boobies of all different races!
Wow...they really did think of everything...

Get a boob on Etsy

At least she tries...

Mom: What does "sched" mean?
Me: What are you talking about?
Mom: Auntie emailed me and said she has to check her "sched"
Me: It means "schedule." Sched ... you know, short for schedule.
Mom: I have never heard of that in my life. Is that what's cool now? Shorthand?
(Cue sound of head hitting wall.)

Then a few days later I get this e-mail from my mom:

hi bb!

now let me get this st. how partic is the navy bas?

do they need the full nam or just the first and last nam? cuz

if they need the full nam, i or u may sent out a mass email with

all the nams typed on it.

how cool am i, i short it.

I e-mailed her back and said:
It doesn't count as shorthand when you randomly take out letters. Most of those words don't even make sense!
p.s. Only Vietnamese fobs use the word "nam." Like "Hey guh! What your nam?"