20 Kick A$$ Date Ideas

While pinning my little heart away on Pinterest, I stumbled across this link:

77 Super Fun Date Ideas

What a let down. I should have known anything labeled "super fun" was going to be super lame. Some were slightly cute, others not so much. "Go to Forrest reserve." Uh, yeah no. "Attend a poetry reading." The thought of listening to someone reading poetry for an hour makes me want to punch someone in the ovaries. "Create a scrapbook" Husband + scalloped edge scissors = STABBIES (in a pretty pattern)

Some were not even date ideas - "Watch an entire season of your favorite show." That's not a date. That's what we call Tuesday in the Peter house.

Super fun FAIL!

So I thought I'd come up with my own little list:

1. Movie hop- high school style! 
2. Watch all three Back to the Future movies. Take a shot every time Biff acts like an a-hole.
3. Sneak into a zoo. Hug an animal that won't eat your face. 
4. Find a mogwai. Feed it after midnight.
5. Visit an animal shelter. ADOPT ALL THE FLUFFIES!
6. Blow bubbles.
7. Host a bacon party. 
8. Go to dinner and a movie...wearing a tutu and/or cape.
9. Play Yelp roulette: Close your eyes. Pick a restaurant. Eat there. No questions asked.
10. Drive really, really far for something ridiculous.
11. Two words - Slap. Bet.
12. Dress up in formal wear. Eat at In-N-Out.
13. Catch a damn grunion.
14. Dress up, crash a prom.
15. Eat 5 things you swear you'd never try.
16. Have a water gun fight inside the house.
17. Dip things in chocolate. See what tastes gross. (Spoiler alert: Chocolate covered pickle = VERY BAD!)
18. Catch crabs (the ocean kind, not the pants kind).
19. Go on a quest to find the BEST food truck in the city.
20. Buy a trampoline. Jump your asses off.

Pen On Yo Face!

It all started when we found a blue ball point pen in our bed.
I suggested we take turns drawing on each other's faces.
I drew a vertical line. His face was too shiny so nothing showed up.
He drew something round.
I drew a little horizontal line. Still no ink on his face.
He drew another round shape.
Cue my 2nd attempt at vertical line. (I was trying to make an 'L' for Loser) Nothing!
He drew a line.
3rd attempt at a line. SUCCESS! Half of the line showed up
He drew a line then a curvy shape.
I tried to fix my line.
He connected his shapes then smiled.
Me: "I have a weiner on my face, don't I?"
Him: "YEP!"

Green Eggs and Clam

I have a best friend name Beef. His name isn't really Beef I just call him Beef because he is my Bee-Eff-Eff. Here is what we talk about.

Beef: lets go do something when you get back here that you can only do in the bay.
Me: Let's go clam digging!
Beef: what the eff is a clam digging? like..get a shovel and dig for clams?
Me: Yeah! Or jellyfish hunting! Wait is that a real thing? Or is it only real on Spongebob? I'm not sure if it's real.
Beef: why are you so mean to creatures of the sea?
Me: Because they are delicious.

Quarantined

I'm pretty sure we have small pox. Or scarlet fever. I'm not sure which is which. Which one makes you delusional? That's the one we have.

Every time I cough I hear the Band Perry. Except I don't want to be buried in satin. If I die young I wanted to be buried in something awesome - like a flying monkey costume. Then at my funeral someone would be like "I didn't know she liked Wizard of Oz so much" and then someone would say "She didn't" and then they'd say "Then why the flying..." and I'd pop out of my "Why are you questioning the dead?" Then that person would feel like an a-hole for like five seconds and then super excited because they just witnessed a freaking miracle.

Back to sickness - I've narrowed down the source of our illness to two incidents. ONE - Playing with our friends' babies. To be fair - I don't really think the babies got us sick but I never rule it out as a possibility because small children are like Ebola monkeys. Kids are ALWAYS sick. I know this because my mom works with Kindergarten kids and she is always sick. Kids bring diseases. It's a fact . Babies are the worst. I think it's because they're always licking each others faces.

TWO - We picked it up from the cluuuuuub. On Saturday we went to Budoir (a sex themed club) for our friend's birthday. Why do I think this might be the culprit? Three words. Sex. Themed. Club. Wait - I think that might be two words. Sex-themed. Club. Gonna have to Google it. Ew. Then again maybe not. Anyways I'm pretty sure Boudoir got us sick - and that is why NO GOOD CAN COME FROM CLUBBING WHEN YOU'RE IN YOUR LATE 20's!!!!

Meet Our Cat.

His name is Brawny.
See what happens when Justin doesn't let me dress up the dogs.

Happy Halloweiner!

Baseball Talk

Conversation between me and my husband while he is watching the World Series.

Me: Holy crap! You know what I just realized?

Justin: What?

Me: I have no idea how to take care of a baby. That's going to be a problem. How the heck are we going to have a kid one day if I don't know how to take care of a baby

Justin: What?

Me: BABIES! I've never taken care of one! At least not by myself. Hey maybe we should borrow someone's baby.

Justin: Uh ok...

Me: You know, to see if we can take care of one. That would be kind of awkward though - asking one of our friends "Hey can we borrow your baby? We wanna see if we can keep it alive before we have one of our own."

Justin: ...

Me: OR!! We can dress up Kashi as an ugly little baby and practice on him.

Justin: ...

Me: Are you listening to me?

Justin: Yeah dress up Kashi.

Me: The only problem is that he doesn't cry. All he does and hump and snort.

(Silence while I imagine us having a baby that humps and snorts. For some reason I also picture him wearing a rainbow sweat band. Cue distraction)

Me: No way! That guy's name is Pujols?

Justin: Yes.

Me: POO-holes?

Justin: Yes.

Me: Haha. Pujols.

Justin: ...

Me: Hey babe ... I dare you to put your finger in Kona's Pujols.

Justin: I JUST WANT TO WATCH THE GAME!

And that is why I should never be forced to watch baseball.

A picture of our snorty, humpy practice baby

Rock, Paper, Scissors ... Crab Claw

When Kona was a puppy, Justin taught him to drink water from the bath tub faucet and now that sucker refuses to drink out of a bowl. So now when he's thirsty he climbs into the tub and barks ... sometimes in the dark.
Yesterday we were watching TV when we would heard Kona's famous echoed bathtub bark.
Here's what went down after that.

Justin: Kona wants water.
Me: You do it.
Justin: No you do it.
Me: Fine ... rock, paper scissors!
Justin: Ok, ready... 1, 2, 3!

He does paper, I do rock.

Justin: Again, 1, 2...

Oh eff. I panic.

My head says scissors but for some reason my hand decided to stay with rock. And it results in this:



Justin: WTF is that?!!

Me: CRAB CLAW!

Justin: What the hell is a crab claw?

Me: It beats rock and scissors...paper too.

Justin: You're such a cheater!

Me: You've never heard of Crab Claw?

Justin: Just go.

In an effort to prove that I was right, I decided to go onto Google and find a picture of a crab crushing a rock (and subsequently, a piece of paper and a pair of scissors)
I typed in "Crab smashing rock"

And Google came up with this...


Apparently crabs like to smoke crack. And get it on. And make little crack babies. And THAT, ladies and gentleman, is how stoned crabs are created.

P.S. I still win.